The Hornsounder - Volume 1, Edition 6 (December 05)

The cold, wintery nights are drawing in. How we long to sit around the fires, keeping warm, drinking Brew and having fun. So, this means only one thing. The month of December is upon us.

December also means that Christmas is fast approaching. So, this time around, there is a distinct Christmasy flavour to The Hornsounder.

There is no Jak O' The Shadow contest this month. But do not fear! In the new year, a new competition is coming! Jak O' The Shadow verses are to be composed about each division, with one division per month. So, in January, the verses will be on the Cavalry, either praising or mocking the division! I would like an entry from each division! More information about this will follow in the New Year!

So, what is the December Edition of The Hornsounder. We have several Christmas songs adapted for the Band, a wish list for and reply from Santa. We have a few articles that were punishments from the Redarms, as well as an advert from the RP side. There is also the monthly news on promotions, as well as The Marshal-General's Monthly Recommendation, plus much, much more!

So, grab a Brew, find somewhere warm around the Camp fire and sit back and relax as you read The Hornsounder!!!!

Corki
Marshal-General of the BotRH
ORG Leader
Temporary Editor of The Hornsounder

12 Days of Christmas
By Leane Shariff, Corporal of the Archers


On the 1st day of Christmas the band gave to Corki...
All the stashed brew.

On the 2nd day of Christmas the band gave to Northie...
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 3rd day of Christmas the band gave to Helike...
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 4th day of Christmas the band gave to Mallet...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 5th day of Christmas the band gave to Footy...
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 6th day of Christmas the band gave to Sheli...
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 7th day of Christmas the band gave to Leane...
Channeling without punishment,
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 8th day of Christmas the band gave to Jea...
More time to play,
Channeling without punishment,
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 9th day of Christmas the band gave to Hornie...
All the new recruits,
More time to play,
Channeling without punishment,
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 10th day of Christmas the band gave to WK...
An invisibility cloak,
All the new recruits,
More time to play,
Channeling without punishment,
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 11th day of Christmas the band gave to Razz...
Control of the Cavalry,
An invisibility cloak,
All the new recruits,
More time to play,
Channeling without punishment,
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

On the 12th day of Christmas the band gave to Nia...
Freedom to cause havoc,
Control of the cavalry,
An invisibility cloak,
All the new recruits,
More time to play,
Channeling without punishment,
A cherry bomb factory,
An everful stein...
Everyone with a spot fine,
All the minions desired,
The world in a bow,
And all the stashed brew.

The Band’s Night Before Christmas
By Sheliara a’Dahlin, Sergeant of the Archers

Based off the Original score by Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Band,
Not a member was stirring, all to a man.
Footy and Mallet lay outside in the air,
Having passed out in a stupor without even a care.

Corki and Northie were snuggled tight in their bed,
while visions of MG brew danced in their heads.
And I in my nurse’s costume (what?!?) with my bow close at hand,
Had just settled down for a long evening nap.

When out in the field there arouse such a clamour
We groaned and we moaned wondering what was the matter.
Out from our tents with weapons aflash,
Some stumbled, some ran, while others returned to their naps.

The moon shone down on the fresh-fallen snow,
When to all our amazement, low and behold!
A mysterious stranger flew down from the sky,
His reindeer guiding him, defying the eyes

What is this, we all wondered as he settled his sleigh,
Of all the wild things the members had seen to this day,
None could compare to this odd little man,
Then Corki called out, “Who are you, be quick, we’re armed to a man”

"Now Hornie! Now Cam!
Now, Niamh and Lazy!
Hey, Helike! Hey, Witch King!
Hey, Masema and Lean!
I know you all!
I know you by name!
For I know who’s been Naughty!
I know who’s been nice!
And delay me not for you know why I’m here this night!"

And then with that, off he flew,
To another part of the campsite, wondering what to do
For they shouldn’t have seen him, as they were armed to the teeth,
Yet he couldn’t forget them, they were such a good team

And then, in the dark, he soon sneaked away
With his bag in his hands, went off straightaway,
Too seek out the tents of the naughty and nice,
And deliver presents to the good, and to the naughty their price


He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
With the bundle of goodies he had flung on his back,
He looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And when again we saw him, In spite of ourselves
We laughed and we cried with all our good cheer,
We soon let him know, he had nothing to fear.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled up our socks, even the ones that had stunk,
To each of us he gave a hearty farewell,
Then returned to his sleigh and soon broke the spell

He whistled to his mounts, and though we asked him to stay
Away he flew, and was soon out of sight,
But we heard him exclaim, from out in the night,


"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

RP Recruitment Drive!
By Estel, Private of the Cavalry

Alright, Corki asked me to write this article, once again proclaiming the Role-Playing half of the Band of the Red Hand. I know most of you have heard this from me before, but I haven’t seen bios from those of you who’ve promised to try it out!

The RP boards can be found at www.dmpsw.com, so PLEASE come check it out if you haven’t already. The Band’s definitely one of my favourite divisions at DM (it’s my favourite Org too), and there’s a good reason for that: the people who I’m interacting with there are great people. We just had a division leader switch a few months ago (Shepherd had to resign), and the current DL is Kael (better known as his char Scout Sergeant Kedyn).

One of the most interesting things that will be starting soon at the Band is the Officer Training School. This is a rare event which allows you to move quickly through the ranks, taking fewer classes to get farther. It usually consists of about 6 classes, in which you will bypass the rank of Private and move straight up to the rank of Sergeant. This is one of the best ways to start with the Band (that’s how I started) and if you wish to apply, please write a bio (requirements for bios can be found at http://dmpsw.com/drooc/viewtopic.php?t=6) and e-mail it to me at switch_ya_sisters@hotmail.com. This closes December 9th, so get your bios in soon!

A little more about the Band:

- As of just this week, the Band of the Red Hand is part of the emerging kingdom of Manethern, ruled by an Aes Sedai queen.
- The Band is also allied with the Black Tower, which means as a Bander you will be RPing with Asha’man as well.
- There are five corps: cavalry, scouts, infantry, archers and medics and right now, you can write a bio for the new siege engineer position which is open.
- There are no longer any woman characters in the Band, so at this point, any woman entering would find herself with a monopoly of men to boss around

Mallett's Christmas Letter
Captain Mallett of the Infantry

Dear Santa,

I have nae been the best o'boys this year, nae what yer would call "squeaky clean" but I have tae be saying that I have been down right funny at times and that should mitigate all the naughtiness that I have been doing.

But to show you I do be a good lad at heart I want to list all the lovely pressies that I think me pals in the Band will want as well as myself o'course.

Now first off Footy, I think he would love a new shovel for latrine digging, maybe one with heated handles as its cold. He would also like some respect as well, but I know you don't perform miracles.... Do I need to get on to someone else for that one?

Now next off there is Cam. I know it's a lot but can he have the world? Or maybe just a large south seas continent to rule over, doesn't need to be anything fancy. Or maybe you could create a lucrative book deal for him so he can write his secrets with the lasses. I got to know his secret..... Ermmm sorry Santa that would be a pressie for me wouldn't it.

Next off, can you let Sheli get some nice new nurse tools instead of the rusty ones she has got, and maybe a bedside manner to go with it. I would ask for a nice nurses uniform, but you would tell me that would be a pressie for me again so I'll leave that. I'll just create that image in me head.

Corki, well first off he wants a better security system fer his MG brew as it seems everyone keeps getting hold of it and stashing it for themselves. Secondly he would like that new book "My Girlfriend is a Super-Villain, What Can I do?" And finally he wants a couple of pairs of socks..... Not for his feet but to shove down the front of his lycra Red Avenger costume for a more impressive bulge.

Now Northie, well what she wants for Christmas is a diabolical scheme to make the Archers the most revered people in the known universe...... Whats that, a miracle again. Sorry Santa I keep forgetting miracles ain't ya remit. She also wants a potion of gullibility for Corki cos she never gets her schemes past his watchful eye. And finally she wants a National Naughtiness Day so her pranks are ok.

Well next there does be Helike, now what she requires is a new beast that looks like a bear but smells of flowers so the fur does be perfect for hugging. I do believe she needs more books as she reads them real quick too! Anything will do it's nae me reading them. And she also needs a shoe horn fer as I remember her leathers are skin tight, she needs something tae get out of them... She prolly been wearing them all year!

Now Santa my Pressies

1. I need some more "Brew - I LUV U!¨ posing pouches.
2. The Abolition of Bandy
3. A way out of digging latrines that does nae leave me an Archer minion.
4. A new bear fur
5. To not be scared of Aes Sedai any more!
6. A shiny new promotion with world wide acclaim and lots of lasses to boot.
7. To understand what the heck it going on the role-play site boards and how they work.... n00b friendly I think not! oops did I slip out of character there?
8.To get the Archer's name changed to the Women's Circle!
9. To give every member a SPOT FINE by the end of the year!


Thanks for listening Santa

Luv ya lots

Your Best Buddy

Mallett!!

Santa's Reply
By Santa Claus

Dear Mallet,

Thank you, son, for writing in with your wish list for Christmas. I thought, since The Band is such a hard working and hard fighting lot as you all are, I’d write back with what to expect from me this year!

Now for Footy; a shovel would be a great idea! He could then hand it to somebody, like you, and then you would know what your job is without him having to say a word! That should take care of the respect thingy.

Cam couldn’t handle the world, so I’ll give him Antarctica! He has no secret with the ladies, Mallet. Ladies don’t find men of a certain sexual preference to be a threat, so they love to hang out with them.

Sheli will be getting rust coated tools, as they work best for her! The uniform shall be a skirt down to the ground and a blouse up to the neck. Perfect to keep your blood off her skin when she operates on you after finding out what kind of uniform you wanted for her!

Corki gets a DNA sensitive locking system for his brew, a book on “How to Date the Queen of the World” and a new uniform with the Rebok pump, just not for his shoes!

Northie gets a lump of coal. That’s what naughty people get! Too bad the thing was compressed into a diamond ring.

To Helike, I give a library card for the books (I can be cheap), Spray on leather to avoid the shoehorn, and for the beast… I was thinking you are hairy and bear looking, but not exactly a flower like smell emanates from your hide. Therefore, she can skin you and use the “Anti-Mallet Stench” spray I’ve invented!

For Mallet!
1. done
2. Bandy isn’t really a drink anyways, now is it? So, I need to do nothing.
3. You’ll never, EVER get out of digging latrines!
4. See the gift to Helike
5. As you’ve said, I can’t work miracles
6. Would a demotion do? It would be the first in the Band’s history, giving you world wide acclaim. Take a shower to get women
7. See number five on miracles
8. Isn’t it called that already?
9. You go, boy! Git ‘er done!

For the rest of the band, write me with your wishes, and I’ll do my best!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Nick

Editor's Note: Anyone who can tell me who they think Santa Claus is, PM me. The first person to do so with the correct answer will get 10 Game Points. Please can Mallett and whoever Santa is not PM me, as you know who it is! Corki

Drinking Brew! Drinking Brew!
Captain Mallett of the Infantry

A song to sing... in the mold of Jingle Bells

Dashing to the bar
To get a stein or two
Oh we love that drink
The one we all call BREW
Muffin’s for our snacks
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A DRINKING song tonight


Chorus:
Oh, Drinking Brew, Drinking Brew
Drinking all the way
Oh, what fun it is to drink
Every stinkin’ day
Drinking Brew, Drinking Brew
Drinking all the way
Oh, what fun it is to drink
Every stinkin’ day


A day or two ago
I had a pint of Brew
And as soon I was done
I had another two
I just can’t get enough
of its dreamy taste
But don't have one too many
Or you’ll be off your face


(chorus)

A day or two ago
The story I must tell
I went out to the bar
And on my back I fell
The Brew it was the cause
of my mighty fall
As the brew before it
left me slumped against the wall


(chorus)


Now looking at the girls
be they old or young
Take the girls along
and sing this Drinking song
Try and grab a kiss
Or a dance or two
And if she likes ya lots and lots!
You'll forget the Brew!


(chorus)

IT’S TRUE!! THERE IS A SMARTER VEGETABLE THAN AN ARCHER!!
Captain Mallett of the Infantry

This article was written as one of my minion tasks given to me by Northie while I was an Archer Minion...enjoy!!

The yearly migration of Their most holy turnipses is perhaps one of the greatest of all of natures stories. In an epic battle against the elements a solitary male known commonly as his turnipness can swim an incredible 250 miles against the current to its breeding site. A battle against pollution, killer gold-fish and the ever present sea-gull. In the vegetable family Their most holy turnipses stand out above the lesser vegetables like the Cabbage and its inbred cousin the Archer. But let us not dwell on such dross as the Archer but look to the shining example of Their most holy turnipses.

The mating ritual of Their most holy turnipses is quite a sight. As the sun rises the male will wiggle his tuber like body to attract a mate. She in turn flaunt her roots provocatively in a sort of tickling manner. It is not unknown for two males to battle for the mating rights of a solitary female and will wave their leaves at each other. A victor is selected by her turnipness, the criteria is not actually known but we believe it’s the bushiness of the foliage and it’s greenness.

But its journey along the River Thames can be best compared to a man swimming around the world with no legs and only one arm, agricultural and animal experts are in total agreement that Their most holy turnipses are one of the most advanced creatures in society and only are preyed on by the creature at the top of the food chain, the Infantryman, but at least Their most holy turnipses has a fighting chance unlike those other vegetables, the Cabbage and its inbred cousin the Archer which even the dung-beetle would not touch.

The Trials and Tribulations of Servitude to the Mighty Mallett
By Footman, Captain-General of the Infantry

I write this having been sentenced to servitude to Cpt. Mallett of the Infantry. Make no mistake of the charges; this is being done for one reason only: ENVY! (Ok, I can’t forget fun) Make no mistake of the charges; this is being done for two reasons only: ENVY and fun. Mallett concocts some frivolous charges, railroads a “fair” trial, and here I am. So what if the original punishment was to serve North Star. Mallett knows the minds of men and in his evil plot knew I would request a change of punishment. Oh, he is a crafty one!

Now, as a butler, Mallett has me doing anything and everything that he can think of, but I resist like the French Underground of WWII or the Underground Railroad during times of slavery. Mallett strips me of my rank and sends me on my way doing his petty tasks, but I am building my case up against him. Already he has foolishly admitted to his rank envy (and I think we should all applaud him! The first step is admitting you have a problem, Mallett. Now the healing can begin!). Before long I will have enough evidence to bring him down! Bring him down to China Town! (Had to steal that from Dinero in Meet the Fockers.)

For now I launch my silent fight from the foot of Mallett’s bed, where I am forced to sleep on the floor, using a towel for a bed in case he needs anything in the middle of the night. I strive for victory while scrubbing and shaving his back at bath time (thankfully the man only bathes twice a year! Well, not so thankfully for all of us, but at least for me for the time being!). I take pride in my small victories while he uses me as a footrest while drinking his brew. I patiently wait the day that the mighty fall while Mallett uses my sleeve to wipe his… Never mind that one! Let’s leave that with Mallett’s Irritable Bowl Syndrome. I’ll share with you all this little fact: If there were servants in the Band that were treated like I am being treated, there would be an uprising! Too bad for me that I am the only one!

Your troubled servant,
Footman

Picking Fleas Is Not So Fun
By Sheliara a'Dahlin, Sergeant of the Archers

There was once a sad-eyed stable girl, a raw recruit of the Cavalry in the Band of the Red Hand. She came to the Cavalry a Seargent and a RedArm, full of dignity befitting her rank, and a wisdom beyond her years. This is an exerpt from her private journal durring her time as a Raw Recruit in Cavalry.

Today was definately an interesting day. It started out nice enough, I went to my duties with a spring to my step and pleanty of sugar cubes to give the horses of the Cavalry, and an extra apple to give to my favorite horse, Maestro. It was a beautifully crisp day, and as I was heading for Maestro's stall, a stern voice called to her, sharp as the crack of a whip...

"STABLE GIRL!!! You went off to pick the fleas from the archer's horses, but you must have been sidetracked as you never actually DID it!!" I froze in my tracks and cringed as he went on. "Get to work! As punishment for taken two forevers, you must also give them their bi-annual brushdown!"

"Sir, yes Sir!" I quickly replied with a squeek of dismay, and dashed off to the stable where the archer's horses were kept

I have never been too good with horses, and never knew the first thing about them, so I was a little nervous when I saw all the horses lined up in their stalls. I couldn't imagine how in the world I would manage to get all the horses picked clean of fleas and brushed down, so I just started with the first one I could find.

This tactic wound up being my first mistake. I entered the stall, and found in front of me a large grey stallion, with his wings folded primly, staring me down. I froze. I wasn't sure how to approach him, so I held out my hand, offering him the apple I had intended for Maestro before I was chased out of the stable.

He stepped toward me, and noticing the stall was open, as well as my obvious fear of him, he dashed out of the stall, and flew off. I stood on the ground watching him fly, it truely was a beautiful sight, but I just knew I would be in trouble for this one, and started whistling at the horse to come down and back into his stall. I soon lost sight of him.

I sat there on the step forlorn, and unable to figure out what to do. I couldn;t face Sir Horn, or any of the archers having lost one of the horses for travelling. I should never have taken my eyes off the sky.

As I sat there staring at my feet, I felt something fall on my back. Something warm and semisoft, and smelling like manure. I jerked to my feet and I swear that horse was laughing at me as he walked back into his stall. I was angry. Very very angry. So I ran back to my tent, and changed my shirt and breechs, then walked back to the stable, a riding crop in my hands.

"This, my friend...is WAR!" I declared as I reentered the stall. "Don't even THINK of running off, or causing any more troubles, I am NOT afraid to use this!"

The horse simply glared at me, as I started to run my finger through his coat, looking for fleas. I searched several times, five in total I think, but I never found a single flea on him. Why would they have me pick fleas from these horses when they quite obviously do not have any? I thought in exasperation. I checked all the other horses once over, and still found no fleas. So I started brushing them down, though it was obvious they had been recently brushed as well, then went back to the Cavalry stables and checked the horses to see if they needed anything.

As I re-entered the stable I noticed that it was slightly noisier in this stable than the other, and these horses fidgeted awefully bad, so I figured I would check their fur, and lo and behold I had found the flea-infested horses!

By the time I had found the horses that truely needed my attention night was slowly descending on the camp. I spent almost all of the night picking fleas from the Cavalry horses, one by one, and the rest of the night trying to pick some of the recalcitrant ones off of myself. When I got to Maestro's stall, I was surprised and delighted to find he had escaped the infestation. So, I moved on and started workin on the rest of the horses. All in all, it was a very trying day.

The Adventures of Footman the Butler
By Footman, Captain-General of the Infantry


Look! Shining those boots! Is it a Captain-General? Is it an Infantry soldier? No! It’s Footman the Butler!! (Insert uplifting and inspirational orchestral music) Slower than a lazy sloth, more insubordinate than the newest recruit, able to gather up Mallet’s laundry without gagging! It’s Footman the Butler! Using his secret identity of a hard working, esteemed Captain-General of the Infantry, Footman becomes the most horrible of servants when he dons his pink frilled leisure suit. C-G Footman becomes (more music) FOOTMAN THE BUTLER! He is able to clean up after the foulest smelling, slovenly soldier that the Band of the Red Hand has seen, Footy’s arch-nemesis; Mallet the Malicious! Forced into servitude, our gallant hero strives to maintain the balance of good and evil. No easy task when faced against such insurmountable odds. Persevering, our noble hero fights against dirty laundry, dull boots, harsh punishments, and smelly feet! Why you ask? Why does our hero subject himself to such sub-standards of living? To infiltrate the enemy! To get into his mind, and destroy him at his own game. Footy’s favorite quote comes from the singer/songwriter Sting: “I will turn your face to alabaster / When you find your servant is your master!” Beware evildoers! Footman the Butler is coming for you!

To know the mind of an evil genius… ok an evil smartass, you must know Mallet the Malicious. Behind his easygoing, prankster attitude lays a mind drowned in brew! (Not that that is a bad thing) Unfortunately, for the evil nemesis, brew chemically reacts to the “evil” parts of his brain (I’m purposefully keeping the scientific jargon out, so as to not confuse the mindless masses). The more brew this man drinks the worse he becomes! With delusions of grandeur and a massive inferiority complex, Mallet is quite possibly the MOST DNGEROUS PERSON EVER!!! Plotting and planning, he has assumed the position of the power behind the power. He has set himself up as the law of the land, a perfect position to wreak havoc upon the mindless masses. (there I go again! I mean just masses! Honest!) Today he seeks to destroy the Band of the Red Hand, tomorrow it will be the very fabric of the Pattern itself! Also, we can’t forget the Space/Time continuum, as all evil nemesi eventually try to destroy that! (Is nemesi the plural or singular of nemesis? Is there a difference in the plural and singular with this word? I digress!)

Luckily for everybody in the world there is Footman the Butler fighting injustice and dirty dishes everywhere!

This has been a paid advertisement by the Footman the Butler Inc. A portion of today’s proceeds will go to the Save the Brew Foundation.

Footman
Chevalier in the Band
Band of the Red Hand
Blade Master
Arrow Catcher Extraordinaire
Crusader in the Band
All Purpose Grunt
All Powerful Infantry Commander
Latrine Duty Assigner
Creator of Tavern of the Red Hand IV
All Around Nice Guy Until Provoked
Word Waster Master
Butler to Mallet the Malicious

Monthly Promotions!!!
By North Star, Captain-General of the Archers

November saw many promotions due to the hard work put in by everyone. The main job done for the month was the unveiling of the Review Website, which was worked on by Footman, Seryanne and goldeneyes8605.

Below are the 16 promotions attained by Band Members during the month of November.

Leiutenant-Captain : North Star

Captain : Footman

Lieutenant : F Horn of Valere, BeastMasterJ, Footman, heathen666

Sergeant : Jeannaisais, goldeneyes8605, Sheliara_aDahlin, Seryanne

Corporal : aragon, ender277, DarkStar, Kellan Kiri, Leane_Shariff, Faile1987

Lets see many more promotions in December!!!